Wednesday, November 16, 2005, 17:45

in order to make any comment on the fashion scene of a city, and especially that of hamburg, there are two interesting facts to know:

1: hamburg fashion does not exist in the common sense of the word.
2: it is, in this perhaps most arrogant of european cities, the fashion to be without fashion.

there seems, as a common rule, to be a fashionable agreement in hamburg not to be to flashy in everything you do, say, or wear since the beginning of the city as a free port. a visit to the worthy rathaus will surely be a revelation on how these proud burghers have seen themselves over the centuries – basically as proud burghers, and not much else.

it can, if you freshly move to the city, cost you an immense amount of time to be accepted into society as such, easily more than ten years, and even then it is rather uncommon to be really sure of the hamburgers respect and a certain human relation (not to speak of any relationships, mind you) – there is this barrier that is rather seldom overcome that any hamburger has against the outer world as such and against other people in especial. it might help, in order to be admitted to the closer circles here, to obey certain rules, of which i will document the following (NOTE: if you are younger than thirty, these rules are also to be trusted, apart from certain quarters in town where a certain look of „I-am working-or-intend-to-work-in-a-PR-agency-am-also-an-artist/student/creative/looser“ is le dernier cri. in that case you are allowed to wear the normal and grungy heroin-chic that seems to has grasped youth culture in all cities over the world. but if you are no only child of a rich wool merchant of the hanse, a rock-star or an aspiring actor – aren´t they all? – and you want to have a certain future in hamburg, read the next passages carefully, to guarantee a smooth passage into hanse-circles. if you do not plan to be a social success, ignore them – but do not say you haven´t be warned!)

Here they are: THE GOLDEN RULES OF HAMBURG

A: even if you follow the following rules, success is not guaranteed.
B: forget munich, düsseldorf or berlin fashionwise. certain bright colours, usually being worn at the premieres of the bavarian state opera, i.e. bright green, escada yellow, velvety violet or even red are NEVER (in numbers: 0) worn in public in the near vicinity of the river elbe. it seems sometimes that the hamburger is colour blind. the only colour that is allowed is night blue (being really extravagant), powder blue,
a powder blue jacket, rather daringly worn!

darker blue and black blue, not to speak of the blue that is black.
perhaps even grey:
a grey polo ralph lauren ensemble

there is a saying in the fashion circles of berlin that i overheard in a berlin boutique stating that „the hamburger does not mind colours, as long as they verge on the black“.
C: do not even dream to try other colours. the aforementioned burghers are, and as prove you will find many of them on the rathaus paintings, usually wearing black. the official robe of the burgomaster
burgomaster mönckeberg

and the senate is black to this day, although the traditional robes have not been in use since the days of the last visit of the german kaiser, or as evening wear to the last persian schah´s dinner in honour. if you really want to try other colours, go back to A and try again.
D: a lady of standing, regardless of her age, wears nothing other than a blue complet (a jacket and a skirt in matching colours) if at all – or jil sander.
jil sander in typical outfit

the latter´s huge success was safely founded on the fact that the lady hamburger heavily relies on her social standing as being absolutely minimalistic in her taste. there never has been a sander piece being overwhelmingly colourful, and whereas in munich as a lady you are always allowed to wear at least a chanel twin set or one of the typical chanel bouclé outfits in rose,
the latest chanel

white/black
typical vintage chanel

or other, in hamburg even chanel is considered nouveau riche.
F: Never appear nouveau riche. anyone overdressed in better society is easily rumoured to be a speculant, a dealer or dealer´s wife in shady proceedings, of lesser descent or even lesser decency – or simply colour blind.
G: always wear pearl earrings and a matching necklace (not the men, stupid!). you cannot fail in the crème de la crème with these simple accesoires (mind my meaning: ac-ce-soir in parisian french means access-all-areas in hamburg german). without them, you are lost.
H: always wear a blazer.

gold buttons on dark blue (see C) are the only safe way to acces all areas in hamburg. they are a reminder of the cities tradition as a port town and are a remainder of it´s long history in good relations to the british.
I: if you have a screamingly coloured tie, burn it.
J: if you have a wonderful eighties or nineties suit, and you are not a fashion journalist, boutique owner or hereditary aristocrat, give them away to someone in munich. they will be happy.
K: if you are nothing of the latter mentioned, destroy any yellow cashmere pullovers.
L: if you disobey these rules, go buy yourself one of the yellow armbands with three black dots on it and WEAR IT AT ALL TIMES! it is your only chance, trust me.
M: if all else fails, move to manhattan. start a new life. obey these rules.
N: if you fail in manhattan, move to london.
O: if you fail in london, obeying these rules, don´t move to hamburg again. rest assured: HAMBURG FORGETS NOTHING! NOT IN SO MANY YEARS! NEVER!
P: your last chance, if you have to move back, is the following: PRETEND TO BE A TOURIST! ALWAYS! then and only then, hamburg will forgive you. utter remarks under your breath of how beautiful and stylish this city is. and they will love you for it.

Ok, dear friends, now you are safe. i am off, to iron my blue blazer.