It is with some concern, that i hear of our new lady chancellors favourite, the russian czar catherine the great,

catherine the great
of which mrs merkel obviously has a portrait on her desk. i doubt that the chancellor knows much of catherine, and i do not know, whether the admiration catherine commands in her is well founded.
of course catherine, being born as princess sophie of anhalt-zerbst as daughter of a prussian officer, was a remarkable woman. being sent to russia as bride-to-be for the future czar peter III, only son of czar elisabeth, she had to adapt very early in her life to the intrigues and intrinsicalities of the court of st petersburg in no time. german princesses were sought all over europe as bride-material, they were known to be ideally suited for extremely difficult relationships with putative heirs, they were well bred and adaptable, highly esteemed for their child-bearing and general health -hardly in the tradition of emancipation and our women´s rights movement, but to that later.
having spent nearly twenty years in petersburg under the reign of her mother-in-law under precarious circumstances, she was married to peter III, whom one can safely describe as a stupid brute, largely occupied with toy soldiers, prussian uniforms and the killing of rats on little guillotines. when sophie, now named catherine, did away with her husband after many violent marital scenes in a military coup, she found herself the master of a largely uncivilized country, the greatest in europe, and surrounded by enemies. is that the feeling that mrs merkel has already? admittedly, mr koch and mr stoiber alike make for a very unruly court, plodding and whispering against her already. if she´d follow suit to her idol, mrs merkel would either have done away with them (a thought that surely entered her mind) or send them into exile (to siberia perhaps? putin could willingly be of some assistance in that).

let us find some more parallels perhaps. catherine delighted in leisure, went to the hunt daily, gave balls every night and wore jewels in such abundance, that the courts of europe- with the exeption of france – were bedazzled by her luxury. she kept imperial lovers (mrs merkel? do i miss something here), exceptionally good-looking men, ususally found in her horse-guards, spent large sums on them, made on of them a certain saltykow, the father of her child (this before she was empress) – and he was only the first in a long procession of male companions, who got younger and younger. i doubt that mr merz qualifies in this respect, neither from his looks, nor from his dashing successes in war, and the marriage of mrs merkel to a professor of chemistry (or some such science) is only shown to the public once a year, usually at the opening of bayreuth, where she shows her usual smile and an abundance of a lack of jewels.

merkel and husband at bayreuth
tant pis!

the people of moscow mistrust her a lifetime (munich?), maria theresia never speaks her name, only utters „that woman“ if speaking of her at all (condi rize) and voltaire

voltaire
writes several scolding letters to her, after she offers herself as a trusting friend via messenger – ususally a courier of the czar. when voltaire finally relents and answers, catherine prides herself to be a philosopher (i wonder who could have this role in our cabinet. müntefering? surely not. an outsider, habermas perhaps? we will see). she invites diderot

diderot
to her court, who stays a bit and then goes back (was this „the professor from heidelberg“?). she forms a general law (brrrrrr!), does not think to abolish serfdom (see!) and occupies great parts of her neighbours in the east and west (poland, with austria) by sheer military force.

her reign is interwoven with intrigues and people trying to get her from the throne (well…). when she is near fifty, she takes count orlow as her lover, count orlow

count orlow
who promptly attacks the crimea and shakes the ottoman empire (turkey beware!), for which he is showered with titles and gold (we will see) and is married by her in a secretive little church – though history is too secretive to really prove it: the only evidence we have are her letters, in which she adresses him as „my beloved husband“. when the relationship falls apart, due to orlows irritating behaviour and general general´s depressions, they agree on having a ménage à trois, an open relationship, so to speak (the great coalition?) and another young favourite moves into the „favourites apartments“ (lafontaine? no way!). sadly, the young man, a certain lanskoi,

lanskoi, courtesy of the guggenheim

of exceptional beauty (ok, not lafontaine), dies of a failing heart. catherine falls into deep depression, cries daily and for many hours, in private only says single words and forgets mainly about politics for a year: she had intended to be lanskoi heir to the throne (no idea who that could be, certainly mrs merkel does not yet or ever at all think of an heir, rest assured – so much for catherine the great!), loved him dearly and took it upon herself to train him in the ways of government.

being fifty, she „astonishes the world“ in declaring that she will shortly be queen of byzanz, seeks a coalition with now emperor joseph II of austria,

joseph II
whom she meets and delights in (george bush, you just wait). when they attend an opera together (ok, not george…), they talk incessantly and basically between dinners and balls form a pact secrete to fight turkey – a pact joseph II surely needs, since the turks nearly sack or will sack vienna any time, should they have the wish for it.

on the 7th of january 1787 catherine leaves in a huge train of sledges, the greatest ever seen in the history of mankind, with about a thousand horses and some more of her courtiers, for the south. it is interesting to note that in the absence of german autobahns (who shall, i still can´t believe it, be sold into private hands) and electricity (already sold, sorry) the cavalcade can even so travel by night, through the simple fact that by imperial command trees have been felled along the way and now are lighted up for miles and miles to see. here my lectures come to an end since i have not finished the book yet (i will do so during this afternoon, don´t you worry), but i think the facts speak for themselves.

mrs merkel and catherine the great? boy, am i worried.